I've always had trouble in the summer months keeping my mind out of the clouds and occupied with things other than daydreams. When I was younger, I remember summer being much more fun and exciting with a lot more to look forward to and less of the dead time in between activities that I have now come to expect and dread from June till August. It really is quite maddening when all you have to do is sit home and watch tv. My depressing state of mind during summer is probably a result of my hectic and demanding schedule during the school year. As the years have progressed, my life has become steadily more and more demanding academically, seeing that - as a perfectionist - I have a tendancy to bite off more than I can chew in an effort to make the most of my time. However, all that drive, dedication and general busy-ness all seem to come to a screaching halt during summer.
When my brain doesnt have something productive to work on, it tends to fixate. I mean truly fixate. When I was seven I spent an entire summer watching animal planet twentyfour/seven. And when I wasnt watching shows about animals I was reading books and doing research on animals. I became obsessed to the point that I had convinced myself that my calling in life was to help save every wounded squirrel, every sick panda bear, and every endangered tortoise that walked the earth. Needless to say, that dream evaporated three days into my first week of second grade.
The obsession I am dealing with right now is one that encompasses the entire world of musical theater. My life has always revolved around music in some form or other. In fact, some of the first notes I ever heard were the chilling opening chords of The Phantom of the Opera, blasted by my parents on our family room stereo. There is footage of me singing along to Barbra Streisand music back when I had barely learned how to speak. In school I joined the band right off, and can officially say that I can play four instruments very well (I can play six instruments, technically, if you want to count basic knowledge). In elementary school I was part of the school chorus and belted my little ten year old heart out on the silly folk songs in our line-up, being the first to grab the solos anytime they were available.
Now there aren't so many outlets for my musical creativity, as sad as that is to say. I am still part of the band program at my school, but for me it has sort of stagnated. I'm in a place where I have learned as much as can be taught to me from the teachers at my current level and seeing as I cant exactly move on to the next step yet, I'm in a kind of musical limbo. Of course I could press on by myself and challenge myself to improve and get to that next level on my own. I know thats what I SHOULD be doing. However, there is some sort of barrier that has been holding me back, which is a very bad thing for my musical future.
On a different side, there is absolutely no way for me to broaden the other horizons of my love for music. I have no way of recieving lessons in piano or guitar - both being the main intrumental vehicles of individual songwriting. The next step for me would be to start writing my own music, something I've been dying to do since I was nine. However, you can't very easily write a song to sing while you play a french horn or a trumpet (the two main instruments I do know how to play). I need something that I can get under my hands, something simple that I can mess around with until I feel comfortable creating my own music. In no way am I an underpriviledged student of music. I am very fortunate to have parents that have provided me with all the tools. I do have a guitar and a keyboard to play, if the ability was there. The problem is, I wont be able to take lessons for either of them. So I have resorted this summer to teaching myself guitar and piano. I know it has been done millions of times before and I know a majority of the supremely successful musicans out there were self-taught, but therein lies the other barrier I am plagued by. Things that come easily to the masses and can sometimes even be described as natural and commonplace dont always come easy to me. It is ironic considering that I am quite the opposite. Things considered difficult come easier to me. The hardest questions on the math test, the highest note on the french horn, the most confusing verses of Shakespeare - all of them were a piece of cake for me as my fellow classmates looked on with puzzled expressions. Its the 'easier' stuff that stumps me. Like driving. Everybody drives, right? Everybody. All over the world. I assumed that since a lot of things came so naturally to me, driving would be a breeze. No such luck. There are many other things like that, but they are too numerous to mention. In short, I'm worried that without training, my self-teaching of the piano and the guitar will leave much to be desired.
Another problem I face is that I havent been able to sing, really sing - as in, in front of people - for years. There was no chorus at my middle school and in high school its a class. Since I am one of those overachieving, get-a-million-credits kind of students, a basic level class such as chorus just isnt possible for me to take. In fact, if I took it, it would seriously damage my GPA. Cant exactly risk that. So, with the exception of band, I've never really taken a fun class in my life. I mean, they're called electives, but I've never 'elected' to take any classes for the sheer desire to enjoy myself. So my singing really just consists of belting along with the radio and driving my brother crazy while we do homework (I sing as I do math, its a wierd concentration thing).
Kind of changing topics, another reason I created this blog (besides as a place to vent about my frustrations over a lack of outlets) was because my biggest dream in life is to be a writer. And I dont mean I wish to get a story or two published or work as a journalist in some small town newspaper. I also dont mean I want to be a writer like Sarah Dessen or Meg Cabot who spew out a few superficial books every year with nothing to show for it. It has always been my dream to reach celebrity status with my writing. I'm not exactly sure what it is that I mean by that, but I'll just say that J.K. Rowling and Stephanie Meyer (back when it was the substance of her writing that counted) are kind of examples of what I'm looking for without all the phenomenon craziness. With the creation of a phenomenon comes the possibility that your work can shift into the relm of absurdity, where it loses its initial respectability. Twilight is exhibit A, but I wont get into that.
I havent been able to write much lately, what with the hectic-ness of finals and AP exams that made up the last half of the school year. But now that I've reached the dull days of summer, perhaps I'll have time to work on some ideas. I'm making this blog just as a way to keep myself writing, in some form or another. I am terrible at keeping journals/diaries. I've had at least twenty over the course of my lifetime, and none of them have ever spanned past a third entry. I still have every single one, and every time I look back on them, I laugh at how much my voice has changed in the time since. While I love the process of writing on a fresh notebook page with a nice, liquid-y ink pen, there is something very cathartic about the feeling of the keys as they click beneath your fingertips. Its a rapid motion that is both soothing in its release of any pent up tension and calming in its rhythmic sound and feeling. I love typing and I need a release, a place to put my emotions and all the thoughts, however mundane they may be, that cross through my mind during they idle days of day dreaming that lie ahead.
I attempted to make a blog once when I was in middle school. Signing in to this one, I was able to read a bit of what I wrote in that first blog. I found it kind of nauseating, reading what the younger me wrote. I can most accurately describe the feeling as the kind some actors get when they watch movies with themselves in it portraying a character that they were never particularly fond of. I was annoying and sounded as though I thought I knew everything, which was probably the case. Not many years have passed since I wrote in that last blog, but I can say that this one will definitely be different. For one, I am now old enough to admitt that I know absolutely nothing about the world, and I cant possibly claim to. However, one thing reading that did make me realize is that a blog is the perfect place to bounce ideas off to yourself - and it'll stay there for a very long time. A journal can get thrown away. But a blog is kind of inifinite thanks to the eternal-ness of the internet. I dont expect anyone to read this. In fact, I am pretty sure nobody will. But for now - until I get my big break in whatever it is that my subconscience is annoyingly yearning for - I can use this blog as a place to, essentially, talk to myself and get my ideas and priorities straight.
I have so many things I want to do. Lets see if I can make them happen.
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